It's Hard to Remember

I am officially, and unofficially, for that matter, enjoying the first day of the last half of my stay in Costa Rica.

I come home in 68 days.

And I'm excited about coming home. Really excited. One of the most difficult things about this trip, has been allowing myself to feel okay about that.

When you study abroad or leave the country for some other reason, there is a set of external expectations that go along with that fact. Whether you're going on a five day vacation to Cancun, a two week mission trip to Malawi or a five month study trip to God-knows-where, everyone who is not going has their own ideas about what you will and should get out of your experience. The most prominent among them is: "You will have such an amazing time! I'm so happy that you get to experience this amazing opportunity!" And that, for me, has been the hardest part of this trip.

The thing is, everyone who leaves their own life-norm for something new, has their own preconceived notions about what their experience will be. They have their own fears, their own hopes, their own baggage from past events that they bring to the situation. And then, you have a bad day. Gasp! Something went wrong, badly, differently, more boringly, or in some other way, did not measure up to your standards. And suddenly, for a moment, you're not having fun. Mention it to someone outside your experience and there is a unanimous chorus, like little birds suddenly seeing their mother come in with a worm, "Don't worry! It's worth it! It's such an amazing opportunity! You'll get over it! Think of how many other people would love to be doing what you're doing! Don't forget, it's such an amazing opportunity!" And then you're unhappy because things don't fit what you wanted and also unhappy because for some reason, you let things happen such that you're not getting the amazing experience that everyone says you should be having.

And it took me a long time on this trip to realize that I was thinking that way and to figure out how to stop. I finally realized that I don't have to let others define what this trip should be for me. I don't have to become passionately in love with Costa Rica and want to live here the rest of my life. I do love Costa Rica. It's awesome here and I'm so glad I had this opportunity. But I'm also blessed with a lot of things in the states worth coming back for. And here, I'm going to let you in on a little secret, shh, don't tell anyone... it's okay! I'm allowed to love my family, friends and my home. As long as I don't let that stop me from living my life and exploring all the options, I'm doing just fine.

It's an unfortunate thing that we let big things, like study-abroad, take all the cake. We act as though we only have to live our life to the fullest when we're doing something amazing when, in fact, if we play our cards right, every day of life should be amazing, even if it's only amazing in it's normality (a thing which anyone who has gotten out a bit, now and again, has learned to appreciate as its own type of beauty). I shouldn't live my life in Costa Rica any differently than I do at home and neither should I be more inclined to let someone else define it for me.

Well, this was supposed to be a reflection on the last half of the semester and all the things I've learned, most specifically, with respect to Costa Rica. But it's not. It does however, address many of the things I've learned on this trip. There's just no telling where your thoughts and idly typing fingers will go sometimes, I guess.

It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember were alive for the last time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
To live before you die
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
That our lives are such a short time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
When it takes such a long time

-- Lives, Modest Mouse